Who Spiked The Eggnog?
by Svendances
Summary: Stephanie's resolution to not drink at the annual Rangeman Christmas Party flies out the window when someone spikes the eggnog. The guys launch a drunken investigation to try to find the culprit. One Shot holiday songfic to the tune of "Who Spiked the Eggnog" by Straight No Chaser


_Because I am very much aware that the current long fic I am working on is soooooo not in the festive spirit, and I don't want you all to think that I am completely and utterly depress (I'm not, I just really wanted to write that story) nor do I want you all feeling completely and utterly depressed, I decided to write a Christmas songfic to the tune of "Who Spiked the Eggnog?" by Straight No Chaser. _

_Edit: __Due to copyright infractions, I have had to remove the actual lyrics from the story. I have left the verse/ chorus numbers in their place so that you can know exactly where the song is up to at each point._

**Who Spiked the Eggnog?**

_[Verse 1 (first half)]_

The Rangeman Christmas party was in full swing when I arrived at the third floor conference room. Merry Men of all shapes and sizes were grouped around the room. I recognised a few faces from the babysitting detail Ranger had provided for me over the last year, but there were a lot of faces that I didn't recognise. They were already rowdier than I'd ever seen them, belting out bawdy versions of Christmas carols. My mother would have made the sign of the cross seven times already if she'd been here. I myself was merely intimidated by the sheer volume of muscle in the room.

"Why are you lurking in the doorway?" Bobby asked, sneaking up beside me. Well, maybe he didn't actually sneak, but I certainly didn't see him coming, so whether he meant to or not, I was classing it as sneaking. "Let me take your coat while you make your way over to Cal at the bar and get yourself a drink."

Obediently, I shrugged out of my coat and handed it to him along with my purse, knowing I wouldn't need it here and wherever he put it would be safe. No way would anyone dare even think about petty theft around here. "I'm not drinking tonight," I informed him firmly. No way was I letting my guard down if Ranger was supposed to be here. I didn't need any embarrassing truths to come tumbling from my mouth around these guys. Knowing my luck they would catch it on security footage and I would not be able to deny it.

Bobby looked aghast. "What do you mean you're not drinking?" he questioned. "It's Christmas Eve at Rangeman. The only people not drinking are the people stuck on monitor duty upstairs."

"What about Ranger?" I asked.

"He'll have at least one glass of wine when he gets here," Bobby explained. "As is his custom. You should join him."

I shook my head. "I have to drive home," I explained, even though I knew what his rebuttal would be.

"We'll have one of the guys upstairs drive you home."

"I have to be at my mother's house at seven tomorrow morning," I added, crossing my arms over my chest. "And I don't particularly want to be hung over when I have to deal with my nieces."

Bobby made a face like he agreed with my sentiments. He'd only seen my family from a distance, but I'd shared enough horror tales with him that he had a healthy fear of all things Plum related. "There's plenty of eggnog over by the bar," he told me. "And I think Cal might have some pop or something like that. There's not a lot of options for a staying sober. This is our one big night to let loose and as an added bonus, we're in a secure building and there's plenty of onsite accommodation for those who are physically incapable of driving by the end of the night."

Trust Bobby to think of the security and health benefits of the party.

_[Verse 1 (second half)]_

While Bobby took my things down to the much smaller conference room they were using as a coat room, I allowed Lester – who happened to appear next to me with a glass of something that looked incredibly alcoholic in his hand – to escort me to the set of tables where Cal was tending the make shift bar. Apparently tending bar at this party required sampling each drink before handing it over. He sent me the biggest grin I'd ever seen on one of the guys.

"What can I do you for?" he asked with the slightest of slurs.

Lester chuckled, dragging me a little closer to his side. "Just in case he gets any ideas," he whispered in my ear when I gave him a questioning glance. "Cal can be almost as bad as your Grandma Mazur when he's had a few."

"I thought bar tenders were supposed to be sober so that they could monitor when everyone else has had enough," I mentioned, watching as Cal threw back a shot of something green.

"Nah," Cal said, shaking his head as he made a sour face. "That's Stan's job later. My job is to make sure everyone's feeling festive." Grabbing a glass from the table stationed by the wall behind him he focused on me. "So, what can I get you?"

"I'm not drinking," I informed him.

Cal and Lester exchanged a glance at that and some kind of silent communication was passed before Cal picked up the ladle to the poured some eggnog into the glass. He started moving it toward me and I was just reaching for it when he snatched it back and took a sip.

"Hey!" I protested. "I thought that was mine."

"It is," Cal replied, handing it over.

Grinning from ear to ear, Lester explained, "Cal follows the Mary Poppins school of drinking." That made no sense to me, and clearly my face showed my confusion, because the next thing I knew Cal and Lester were singing off key, "_The honey bees that fetch the nectar from the flower to the comb, never tire ever buzzing to and fro, because they take a little nip from every flower that they sip. And hence they find their task is not a grind! Cos… a…. spoonful of sugar-"_

"Okay, okay," I said loudly, trying to make myself heard. "I get the picture. You don't have to sing the whole song." They grinned again and Cal grabbed a new drink for Lester, taking a sip from the glass before handing it over. "How do you even know the lyrics to Mary Poppins songs?"

"Cal's sister hit the big time on Broadway a few years back," Hal informed me, sidling up to the bar. "He's been to all her shows."

"That's very sweet," I told him, taking a sip of my drink. "Let me know when her next show is, I'd love to come and see one."

Handing Hal a new glass, from which he'd just taken a swig, Cal gave me a one armed hug over the table. "She'd love that. She's heard all about you."

I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I nodded and smiled anyway. It was clear Cal was a little less than sober, so maybe it was best to just placate him. Turning back to the room at large, I took in the massive bodies, scanning for forms I recognised. I knew for a fact that Ranger was not yet here. He'd told me that he had some business to attend to before he made his way down, and I always knew when he was around because the back of my neck felt like ants were crawling all over it.

I spotted a large group of men gathered around a piano in the corner. That was where the carols were coming from, accompanied by the faint sound of a piano playing somewhere underneath the voices. Curious as to which of the Merry Men could possibly have the delicate skill to tickle the ivories, I made my way over.

Some of the men in the crowd lightly slapped my ass or squeezed my shoulder as I slipped between them trying to get to the piano. I didn't think much of it, though, none of them would dare lay a serious hand on me. Not when I'm pretty sure Ranger had laid a claim on me, despite not doing anything about it. He'd been avoiding me recently, I was sure. I'd barely spoken to him weeks when he turned up at the bonds office and invited me to the annual Rangeman Christmas Party. Apparently, because I did occasional work for his security company, I was entitled to a portion of the free food and drinks that would be served.

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled that he'd invited me. His men could be really interesting to talk to when I eventually got them to loosen up a little – which would be super easy with all this booze flowing. But I would have preferred if he'd invited me because he wanted me here, not because he had a professional obligation to include me.

I slipped onto the piano stool next to Tank who sent me a welcoming grin. "Sixteen years of private classical piano lessons," he explained. "My mother is thrilled she spent so much money for me to accompany inappropriate carols every year."

"I'm sure she's proud," I agreed, taking a long pull of my eggnog.

_[Chorus 1]_

An hour and a few eggnogs later, the guys had managed to persuade me to climb up on top of the upright piano and sprawl across it like in those saucy jazz bars. It was a lot further up than I was expecting and I got a little dizzy when I let my head rest on one of my hands, but the grins on the faces around me were enough to keep me from immediately climbing back down, even if they _were_ now insisting that I sing for them.

I was shaking my head firmly, and wondering over the way my eyes seemed to be a second behind, when a tingle ran up my spine. Ranger had arrived. I announced this to the guys around me and they cheered.

"Boss man!" a guy I'd never met before tonight called, waving his hands above his head. "You gotta come tell Stephanie she needs to sing."

"Babe." Ranger appeared before me, a half smile on his face. "Having a good time?"

"They want me to sing," I informed him. "I said no. I'm too sober to sing."

"How much do you need before you sing?" Lester asked from nearby. "I can get Cal to arrange it."

I shook my head again, and almost fell off the piano. If not for Ranger's hands steading me, I would have landed in Tank's lap mid-chorus. "I told you already," I said. "I'm not drinking tonight. I can't risk telling Ranger how much I feel for him."

"Babe?"

Staring into his crinkled eyes, I asked, "Did I say that out loud?"

Rather than respond, Ranger picked up the half empty glass of eggnog that was stationed beside my elbow and sniffed it cautiously before taking a sip. Now three people had drunk from my glass. I was about to inform him of this fact when he turned toward whole room and bellowed, "WHO SPIKED THE EGGNOG?!"

_[Bridge]_

The silence that followed was absolutely deafening. In fact, somewhere in my addled brain, I was sure that I'd suddenly lost my hearing. Slowly and cautiously, I manoeuvred myself into a seated position on the end of the piano, legs dangling off the edge. Ranger took a step closer, bracing his hands on my thighs as I leaned down a little closer. He was gazing at me intently, and I thought he might kiss me. I was bitterly disappointed, however, when wrapped his hands around my waist and hoisted me from my perch instead.

A sound of protest escaped my throat as he started carrying me across the floor to a line of chairs that were pushed up against the wall a short distance away. He'd left my eggnog with Tank.

"Ranger," I whined. "My drink."

At that moment the room erupted in discussions and I had to cover my ears as the noise was too much. Ranger set me down on one of the chairs and crouched down between my knees, looking up into my face with a slightly concerned expression. "How many eggnogs have you had?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Four? Five? Cal will know, he served me," I mentioned.

"Cal's drunker than you are, Babe."

"No," I countered. "I'm not drunk. I'm not drinking. That's why I'm drinking eggnog. It's non-alcoholic."

"Not this stuff, Babe," he explained. "Someone's spiked it."

I snorted. "You can't spike eggnog, Ranger," I told him. "It's a liquid. It won't hold it's form."

He looked like he wanted to sigh at that, but endeavoured to get me to understand anyway. "Someone has added alcohol to the bowl of eggnog," he said. "You're drunk."

I nodded, attempting a serious expression. "Now that you mention it, I have been a little dizzy since eggnog number three."

_[Chorus 2 + spoken section following]_

Lester and Bobby wandered over to us then. Lester held a glass of eggnog and a glass of wine, while Bobby held an unopened bottle of water and another glass of eggnog. They sat down on either side of me and while Lester handed the wine to Ranger, Bobby opened the bottle of water and physically wrapped my hand around it. "You need to dilute the alcohol in your system," he told me. "We don't know how much you've had, so I think you should stick to water and pop from here on out. Only in bottles that haven't been open."

I took a sip of the water and locked gazes with Ranger as he mirrored my actions with his wine. "He's right, Babe," he assured me.

"Hal's bringing over a plate of food," Lester added, but I had a feeling he wasn't talking to me. "No one's seen her eat anything since she arrived."

Ranger nodded. "I'll keep an eye on her, you start an investigation."

"Yes!" Lester exclaimed, startling me into spilling some of my water down Ranger's front. "The annual Rangeman Mystery has begun!"

Bobby jumped up from the chair. "I'm on the case!"

"You're going down, Brown," Lester said immediately before they started making some pretty intimidating gestures toward each other.

"Ain't no way you can best me," Bobby returned. "I'm the master."

And with that, they sat back down and started glaring at every Merry Man that passed close by, keeping up a steady stream of conversation as they speculated over who the culprit could be. Their insights were all rather circumstantial at the moment, but I suppose they were in the preliminary stages of their investigation.

"Randy?" Bobby suggested, as he passed behind Ranger.

"He _does_ have a tendency to carry around that flask of Brandy," Lester agreed. "But is one flask enough to do this kind of damage?" he added, gesturing to me. A moment of silence followed as they thought about that. "DR's been hanging around the bar all night."

"DR is a recovering alcoholic," Ranger pointed out. "I doubt he would have had a hand in it. And if he did I'd have to have words with this sponsor."

"Well, clearly it wasn't him, then," I piped up. "Heaven knows alcoholics wouldn't dare spike a non-alcoholic drink."

"Drink some water, Babe."

While I guzzled down some more water from the bottle in my hand, the guys continued to scan the room. Ranger continued staring at me, probably making sure I didn't spontaneously combust from the unexpected alcohol in my system. It was a silly idea, but anything was possible, especially since we didn't know what kind of alcohol was currently coursing through my veins.

"What about Rome?" Lester asked, glancing across me to his partner. "He was all alone."

I followed his gaze to Bobby to find him shaking his head. "Rome speaks a total of fifteen words of English. I'm not surprised he was alone."

At that moment Hal appeared at Ranger's side holding a plate full of chips and sandwiches. "Food for the booze hound," he announced, a slight smile on his face as he met my eyes. I noticed he didn't hand me the plate, though, instead laying it in Ranger's waiting hand. "And if we're singling out suspects in the case of who spiked the eggnog, I think you should know that I saw Dan with a bottle in his hand."

Shocked, I looked down to my own hand and the bottle I held. "Uh, Ranger…" I uttered.

"Alcohol bottle, Babe," he said, and I could have sworn he was laughing at me. "That's water, you're safe."

"Oh."

_[Chorus 3 +Verse 2]_

"It's gotta be someone here," Hal said, settling onto the floor beside Bobby so that he could join in the speculation. "No one else could have gotten in."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Lester said with a roll of his eyes, taking a swig of his contaminated eggnog.

"You're welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm," Hal replied, whipping a candy cane out of his pocket and inserting it into his mouth.

I was jealous. I wanted a candy cane. I didn't even care if it was one of those disgusting fruity flavours at this point. Leaning forward to rest my forearms on my knees I eyed Hal closely. "Did you bring enough to share with the class?" I asked him, nodding to the candy cane. "Is it fruity? Or Peppermint? Peppermint is always better. Tell me it's peppermint and I may kiss you."

"Babe."

Rolling my eyes, I sent Ranger a look. "On the cheek, Ranger," I told him. "It's not like I love him, I'd just be really grateful if he had a peppermint candy cane for me. It's you I love."

A grin spread across his face at that and I had to do a quick recount of what I'd said to see if there was anything funny. There wasn't. Ranger had a weird sense of humour. "Eat some sandwich, Babe, then Hal will give you a candy cane."

Sitting up a little straighter, I snagged a sandwich from the plate Ranger held and took a large bite, maintaining eye contact the entire time. "You better hadn't go back on your word," I warned through a mouthful of ham and mustard. "I _really_ like candy canes."

"Hey," Lester interrupted, drawing our attention back to him. "Has anyone else noticed how Chuck and Seggie and sneaking around tonight?" He gestured with his head toward the door where Chuck and Seggie were indeed, attempting to sidle back into the room unnoticed. Clearly a futile attempt in an area so heavily populated with highly trained security professionals. I'm sure their exit, absence and re-entry had not gone unnoticed. "They're clearly up to something."

"I agree," Bobby agreed. "They're probably the ones who spiked the eggnog."

I shared a look with Ranger. Chuck and Seggie's sneaky behaviour was not at all a new development. I'd noticed it months ago and asked Seggie about it when I hanging around the monitors one afternoon. "I'm pretty sure they weren't spiking _eggnog_, if you know what I mean," I said, chuckling at my own joke.

Ranger rolled my eyes, but he definitely knew what I talking about. I'd informed him of the pair's orientation not long after I'd discovered it myself. He hadn't been shocked though. I'm pretty sure he already knew. He was like Santa Claus. He saw everything.

The other guys were staring at me with confused expressions, and I let out an exasperated sigh, picking up another portion of sandwich from Ranger's plate. "Don't tell me you don't know," I said. They shook their heads and asked a few questions that I couldn't distinguish from the chatter around us. "Talk about being aware of their surroundings," I mentioned to Ranger. "You'd think they would have noticed that Chuck and Seggie are gay for each other by now. I mean, right now, they're sneaking around and sporting kissy lips. Clearly they've been off somewhere making out." I eyed the back of Chuck's shirt where it was slightly untucked. "Or possibly more."

Three sets of saucer sized eyes met my explanation and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped around the half chewed sandwich in my mouth.

"They what?" Lester asked, aghast. "I showered next to him yesterday!"

Bobby was shaking his head. "I don't think you have anything to worry about," he said. "No one finds you the least bit attractive."

"Stephanie does," Lester countered.

I nodded my agreement, and Ranger protested again. I rolled my eyes at him. "I find him the least bit attractive, Ranger."

"That's better," he approved.

"So anyway," Hal said, breaking the odd tension that had formed around me and the boss man. "Mike looks guilty."

Bobby shook his head, "That's his eye condition, he can't help it."

I finished the sandwich I'd been working on and looked Ranger directly in the eye. "That's two sandwiches," I told him. "I need a candy cane, now."

"Hal," Ranger commanded, holding his free hand out towards the man. He waited for Hal to hand over the candy cane before thrusting the plate at him. "While I unwrap this, you need to drink the rest of that water." I obeyed without question, guzzling down the half bottle I had left and swapping it for the newly unwrapped candy cane.

I wasted no time putting the long end into my mouth and sucking hard. A moan burbled up as the peppermint flavour spread through my mouth and I heard the men around me groan as they shifted in their seats. "This is really good," I informed them, holding the end out to Ranger. "Wanna lick?"

To my utter surprise, instead of taking the candy cane into his mouth, he pulled me off my chair and into his lap, fusing his lips with mine and sweeping is tongue inside. A moment later he drew back, leaving me panting and leaning on him to stay upright. "Mmm, minty."

"You don't taste too bad yourself," I returned, settling more comfortably on his legs on the floor. "But I'm not sharing my candy cane with you anymore. I can't give you the wrong impression about how I feel."

"And how is that?" Bobby asked, leaning down so that he was closer to me.

I sighed around the stick in my mouth. "Okay, I'll tell you, but don't tell Ranger. You promise?"

"Scout's honour," he replied.

"I'm in love with him and he doesn't feel the same about me, otherwise he would have done something about it by now."

"What makes you so certain?"

"Ranger is a man of action. He takes what he wants. Maybe I haven't been obvious enough for him to realise I love him," I bemoaned, leaning my head back against Ranger's shoulder. "Do you think he knows?"

Bobby made an unsure face, sitting back a little. "Dunno," he said. "Want me to do some recon?"

"You'd do that for me?"

He nodded. "I'd do anything for you." Sitting a little straighter, Bobby focused over my shoulder to where I assumed Ranger's face was. "Hey boss," he started casually. "Did you know that Stephanie Plum is in love with you?"

I gasped. Shocked and a little hurt. "Bobby!" I cried. "You said you wouldn't tell! You Scout's honoured!"

"Babe," Ranger chuckled. "Bobby is not now, nor has he ever been, a scout." I hurrumphed, and crossed my arms, but Ranger wasn't deterred. He bent his head down to my ear and whispered, "For the record, I'm in love with you too."

"Can we get back to the case of who spiked the eggnog?" Lester interrupted. "Tyler's napping on the couch over there, and I think he could be the one."

Hal shook his head and pointed over my shoulder. "I thought it was Walt."

All eyes followed the finger to the man leaning against the wall by the bar. He had a glass of eggnog in one hand and on the table beside him was a half empty bottle of bourbon.

"Might have been Walt," Bobby said,

"Could have been Walt," Lester added with a tilt of his head.

"Probably was Walt," Cal agreed, pushing past Ranger and I to occupy the seat Ranger had forced me to vacate.

"Must have been Walt," Ranger announced, moving me to the floor beside him so he could get to his feet. All the while, the guys were chanting Walt's name. "Walt!" Ranger boomed across the room. "Did you spike the eggnog?"

Walt's eyebrows shot up and he shook his head. "Don't look at me," he said. "I just got here a couple minutes ago. I didn't even realise the eggnog had been spiked!"

Ranger cursed and pushed Lester off his chair, quickly taking his place as he pulled me back into his lap.

_[Last 2 choruses]_

We sat in that line, glaring out at the crowd of Merry Men, not talking for the longest time. Hal and I were still sucking on our candy canes. I managed to form mine into a sharp spike and had taken to occasionally poking Cal in the cheek with it. He sent me warning glares now and then, but said nothing. I poked him one more time and just as it was about to make contact with his flesh, he turned his head and bit off the end.

"Lester!" I admonished. "That was my candy cane!"

"Get her another one," Ranger commanded.

"She was poking me with it!" Cal defended his actions.

Ranger wasn't impressed. "Another candy cane or you get monitor duty for the next month."

Grumbling, Cal stood and went in search of a sugary treat for me. The moment he was out of sight in the throng of muscled men, Hal passed another over from his cargo pocket. We shared a grin as I silently held it out to Ranger to open for me.

"Don't you want to finish the one you have first, Babe?" he questioned, lifting my other hand to draw attention to the half candy cane still there.

I shook my head. "It has Lester cooties now," I explained.

Before I could say anymore, Lester had taken the candy cane from my fingers and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. He was crunching and chewing when he made his next statement. "This is ridiculous. It could be anyone." He cast his eyes around again. "Hell, I've been drinking since four this afternoon, there's so many holes in my memory it could have been me."

"You?!" Ranger raged, almost snapping my candy cane in half.

"Yeah," Lester shrugged.

_Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. I have the next chapter of Not as Planned ready to go, just waiting for the right moment to post it._


End file.
